What do you all think of this? Does society really profit from our self-doubt? As a self-doubter, this would certainly ring true. I wonder what non-self-doubters think? Is there even such a thing as a non-self-doubter? Is there anyone out there who doesn’t have self-doubt about something….anything?
This is a tough one that can have a lot of circular thinking.
Large areas of bookstores are dedicated to self-help. Surely self-doubters are the target for these books. Or is the fact that they seek help mean they believe in their ability to grow? And does that belief constitute non-self-doubt? Do non-self-doubters need self-help, or does the pursuit of self-help make them non-self-doubters?
This may be a better example. What about gyms and training videos? Think for a moment about all the language used in this industry: “You can do it!” “You got this!” “You’re a badass!” Certainly, those encouragements are to get the clients to believe they can, and to push themselves. Would they need that language if everyone walked in fully confident in their ability to “crush” it? Of course, trainers would still be hired in this fully confident eutopia purely to teach others how to work-out even if they didn’t need all the affirmations. But would it be nearly as big an industry? And there too, if those who patronize their services are truly self-doubters, then would they sign up at all or rather stay home thinking that there is no way, even with the best trainers the word has to offer, they will be able to do a pushup?
The circular thinking can go on and on. These gyms and trainers excel in their ability to convince self-doubters that they should – follow me here – doubt that they should have self-doubt and come in and try anyway. So perhaps it is the case that in this micro-sphere, they are profiting from self-doubt, but then they are helping to eliminate it as well. Or at least have a way to keep it in check.
Let’s consider the make-up industry. All these people who are not comfortable showing up in the coloring and complexation they woke up with that morning. Clearly these folks have self-doubt. But they do not doubt their ability to apply the makeup successfully. So do they doubt that they actually will look the way they want to, or at least have a way to make things better?
There are many things I know I can do – so no self-doubt about that. Or at least I can do them well enough. I do them okay, but I am not exceptional at most of them. So now where am I on the self-doubt spectrum? And if I do them anyway, who in society is profiting as the above image suggests?
What about something like Duolingo? People love this program for learning languages, extoling how much they respond to all the encouragement, the badges, the rewards. These things are motivational. Do non-self-doubters need as much motivation as self-doubters? I know someone who is exceptional at picking up languages. After spending much of a year working in Italy, he picked up quite a bit of Italian. Once home, he wanted to keep up with the language so hours were spent on Duolingo. He had plenty of his own motivation and didn’t need any from the cute Duolingo owl expressing his awesomeness. But he loved all those bells and whistles and rewards anyway.
So maybe motivation and self-doubt are not linked? Which brings us back to those gym trainers – why are they telling me I got this and am crushing it when really, I don’t want to crush it. I just want to make sure I can keep walking with solid bone structure into my later years. That is enough motivation for me.
On first glance, I would have agreed that society profits from self-doubt. And there are definitely instances where it promotes self-doubt by creating unrealistic and unachievable standards. And in many ways, we continue to propagate these unrealistic standards and may well fuel self-doubt in others, albeit inadvertently, including friends and family. Social media is the easy example of this. But we also do it when someone asks, “how are you?” and we respond with “great!” and never admit when we are not so great. This isolates those who are feeling not-so-great on the inside and wondering – self-doubting – what is wrong that they are the only ones out there not doing “great!”
Yet how would we respond if someone were to say their truth? I have shocked a cashier or two in my life when they cheerfully asked how my day was going and I looked back at them and in raw honesty told them the day had been very bad, very bad indeed. And cheery cashier not knowing what else to say, responded with “maybe it will get better.” To which I would respond “it’s been a bad day on top of a bad week and pretty much this whole year has been awful.” And the poor cashier who hadn’t been trained in what to do when crazy customer unloads her truth, responded with “your receipt is in the bag, have a nice day.” But I didn’t want the receipt in the bag so in fact the day did not get better, and I walked away doubting my sanity for unloading on a random stranger. Just as likely, the cashier doubted their sensibility and ability at customer service having elicited that reaction from me when they were just trying to be kind.
But here’s the thing: had nice cashier person said something like “yeah, I’ve felt like that. It’s miserable”, then neither of us would have walked away in doubt. Self-doubt flourishes when we are under the impression that there is something wrong with us. We can all do things better and striving for improvement is a good thing. But just because we can do things better doesn’t mean what we did do so far is bad.
Ah, finally after all this, maybe the crux of it is shame and not self-doubt? Shame about one’s looks, so go buy lots of makeup. Shame about one’s fitness, so go buy gym memberships (and for some, further shame so one never actually shows up to the gym with the membership lest they been seen unfit.) Shame about how one feels so always answering “great!” Before you jump on me – I am not saying everyone who wears makeup or joins a gym is doing so for shame, but rather that those who are shamed can be easily swayed to do so.
I’ll have to think through this one some more, but I would bet far more that shame is what society is profiting from more so than it profits off of self-doubt. And liking yourself most definitely rebels against that.
Now tell me what you all think about that?